Imagine Me and You . . .

If ever there was a film to "come out to" to your husband - it has to be this one.

I have watched it several times and always seem to forget the way it ends every time so it is always a surprise to me!

I watched this again last night with my husband lying sleeping beside me in bed and shed my usual tear over the impossibility of the whole situation I have myself in.

It is one of my favourite films but I could never watch it with him for fear he would twig.

When did it change?

I have been working hard at maintaining the platonic relationship with Lou over the last few months. I can’t remember which trip back or forward that finished the sex side of us - many times we stopped only to start again. It wasn’t easy. When I was away from her I was able to be hard hearted and and resolve that the last time was the last time, only to have second thoughts when we were together. It was common for me to tell her it was all over on the Saturday of a trip, I even had her in tears in restaurants telling her, only to find ourselves lying together before Sunday was over.

A while back I put my foot down and told her straight I just can’t deal with the guilt I feel when it is still “ongoing”. I can handle the “past” ok but thinking that it was still “ongoing” was too much for me and it was making me too stressed from a health point of view to carry on. I stopped it. It was over.

That meant a stop on everything. We had always had a great time online with the cyber-sex chat. We could start that and bring each other off with just a few choice words - I prided myself in this department actually - was fairly smug that I knew her so well that just talking about what I knew she would have liked in real life could put her over the edge very quickly. We had a very active cyber-sex life and both of us enjoyed it and missed it terribly when it was stopped.
On the very odd occasion it was initiated for one session - I knew it was better to allow that than have Lou totally frustrated and clingy and needy.

Finally, I was able to move away from that area too.

For many months I resisted visiting her. When I am there it is easier to slip in to the sex side than when she is here - there are too many restrictions here so I told her that I couldn’t afford to fly back and forward and that she was welcome to come here as much as she wanted but I wasn’t going there for a while.

I have been a bit happier recently. It is an easier life knowing that it is all in the past and I don’t have to think about covering tracks or feeling the guilt. Yes, of course, I miss the sex. I miss feeling the “rightness” of sex with a girl. I have been having a hard time dealing with the idea that I wont ever have that again. Slowly but surely that feeling of constant frustration has been dying down and keeping my head down and not allowing the subject to crop up with Lou has helped. Obviously this has been upsetting for her - she thinks I am avoiding her most of the time and I feel I have to constantly *handle* her to make sure her feelings aren’t hurt. It is hard work.

Lou came to visit again a few weekends ago. All was going well until Bobby took the kids out to walk the dog. I had been lying on the guest bed watching tv with Lou, then (prone to sudden tiredness) I had fallen asleep in my familiar position: lying on my front but on my right arm and leg, with my left side all crooked. When Bobby rounded up the kids the shouting woke me and I ran down the stairs to check on timings for their return and to let him know we were going to the cinema in a few minutes.

When I went back to the guest room Lou was asleep - or at least pretending to be. I snuggled in behind her - totally innocently on my part. My right arm over the top of her waist; my nose in the nape of her neck. I always loved in there. I loved scraping her hair up to see the completely blonde layer of hair there. Being such a red-head - not many people would suspect that Lou is so blonde every where else. It always delighted me that I was about the only person who knew that. With the length of her hair, the back of her neck was always a safe place to nibble on too. The odd mark has been left there.

She was wearing her normal jeans and tee shirt so after a minute I was happily stroking her arm. As far as I thought, it was all very innocent. Apart from the flitting idea I had of undoing her belt and slipping in past her jeans but, as I say, that was only a flitting idea and I most certainly wouldn’t be acting on that one.

She turned round to lie facing me. We said our usual “hi” with rueful grins, both knowing that it would be nice to take it further.

She started to stroke me back. This wouldn’t be one of my favourite things. Obviously she wants to touch me but I don’t tend to enjoy it. There are too many things to be self-conscious of, plus, I really didn’t want her to be thinking this was going any further.

She moved closer to me for a cuddle and the whole time I was thinking “ok - all safe so far, nothing to worry about - I just hope this isn’t giving her any ideas that it is going any further.”

I think I lost my grip on that theory when she brushed her lips against mine for the second time. We used to talk late at night about “soft kisses” and this was certainly soft. Nothing hard or demanding. Just a soft loving brush of lips.

Until the fifth or sixth soft kiss when she started to pick up the pace a little. By that time my hand wasn’t just lying on her waist any more, it was underneath her tee shirt. I absolutely love the moment in my brain when it goes from chaste and innocent to “oh there is one piece of cloth between this and what I want and oh, oh dear, perhaps I could just slip in underneath it here, ooOOoooo skin!”

And skin there was. All the way up her ribs, down to her belt and all the way round her back, especially at the small of her back - “our place” where it has been known for me to have a sweat on there in seconds and where she wants to get a special tattoo. Something with my initial in it that only we would know was for us. When she first mentioned that I was enthusiastic and chuffed but when I was trying to pull away and she continued to mention the design I refused to talk about it with her. Here I was tracing the whole area round and round with my finger tips now. And pulling her closer in to a more forceful kiss.

I was lost after that. There was no stopping it now for either of us. “We are so good together” is like a mantra in my head most of the time. The kissing went on for quite a few minutes. I never enjoyed kissing with any other individual, ever, until I kissed Lou. She has a fantastic lower lip which is just begging to be sucked on and playfully nipped at and we always had just the right amount of tongue play to excite us both. We have never had a bad kiss. We both missed the kissing more than the sex I think.

When it was apparent we weren’t going to stop my hand went in to automatic and returned to its favourite position: squeezing and playing with her left breast. God I am such a boob-girl it is unbelievable. It was her display in a bra and tight tee shirt standing in front of me minutes after a shower one day which had me thinking “I am going to have me some of that some time” and it always comes back to my love of breasts when we are together.

“Fondled” is as good a word as any. I pinched and rolled her nipple through the material, I fondled her whole breast. Had she wanted to pull away and stop, this was about her last chance. The kissing got harder and more demanding.

She half sat up to allow herself to pull her bra up and over for better access but when she lay down again the tightness was binding her too much. I lay looking at her boobs, stroking them with a light finger tip. I knew if I took either one in my mouth, that would be it - we wouldn’t stop until we were both finished.

She struggled to reach round to unhook but couldn’t. Smugly I had it done with one hand in one movement. Something you only read about in books - never happens in real life! In one action she had her tee shirt and bra off and somehow had her belt and jeans both undone too.

Lying back down on our sides looking at each other, sometimes giggling and smiling at each other but not speaking much, we started the kissing again. This time there was no cloth to battle through and it wasn’t long before I was paying homage to her nipples again with one between my teeth and one between my fingers. This is how I know we are so right together. I know her body so well. I know the exact amount of pressure to apply. I know how long to go on for. I know when to suck, when to lick, when to gently bite and when to become more frantic and positively chew on her. I can read her so well. That would be our “perfect moment”. I love the way I can have her arching off the bed trying to thrust more in to my mouth. I love her “Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck” and the way she grabs the back of my head to encourage me and bring me even closer.

Without thinking about the consequences, keeping her right nipple between my teeth, I took my hand from her breast and moved it down her tummy past the waist of her jeans, straight under the elastic of her briefs and without one moment of hesitation to check she was ready, slid two fingers right in to her. The suddenness of the movement both shocked and pleased her. she doesn’t like to be asked for permission, she likes me to take control.

Of course she was ready. She is always so wet after only a few moments of kissing. In order to get a better position for my thumb on her clit I moved to kiss her mouth again. She was still gasping at the shock of the onslaught. Her moaning only pushed me on.

I lay playing with her, suddenly very detached. Looking at her, my absolute love, the only lover I want to be with, watching her reactions to what I was doing to her, watching how I could play with her body and know exactly what was good for her, where to touch, how hard to touch, when to tease, when to get harder, when to withdraw to concentrate on other areas.

It was all too perfect and I found tears welling in my eyes. This is the sex I want. This is the person I want it with. I am good at this sex. It is totally instinctive for me. I don’t have to pretend at any of this.

I love making love to this person.

I love making love with this person.

I love this person.

She is my soul-mate.

I rubbed my face against my own tee shirt to get rid of the tears. How that would have spoiled the moment if she had caught me on at that!

I also love how easy it is to make her come - it takes so little. I know part of that is because it is me who is touching her and that makes it perfect for her which pushes her over the edge so much quicker. I know I am the one in her fantasies. I know I am with her every single time she does this on her own. There is no doubt in my mind that I am her love.

Obviously this feeds my ego and generally makes me ever so smug about the whole thing.

Looking back at her I realised she hadn’t long to go. I know where to move my fingers to step up the pace for her. How did I ever learn her so well? Still detached, I found myself rubbing her clit and going to her “down a bit” place that always makes me grin when I go there. This was the first honest thing we ever did together. We don’t suffer on in silence - we tell each other where to go and it makes me grin every time.

Needing to be more involved when she finished I moved in on her mouth, crushing it with mine, kissing hard. No soft kisses now. Rather, hard demanding forceful memorable kisses. I sucked in her cries as she got closer and bit her bottom lip as I pushed back in to her again, knowing the change in pace would totally flip her out. I was right. She came a split second after I entered her and I felt her gripping and pulsing against my fingers.

We continued to kiss but much more softly now. I waited for the normal “Feck off feck off feck off” which is our normal brutally humourous cry to each other after an orgasm but it didn’t come from her this time.

I stayed inside her hardly moving, just filling.

Gradually after a few moments of closeness I began to move again. I started with the soft approach again, soft brushing kisses. She suddenly moved on top of me dislodging me as she moved. We continue to kiss for quite a while.

Naturally I zoned in on her boobs again and it wasn’t long before both had been squeezed and licked and nipples sucked again.

Somehow I pushed her on to her back to continue with this. I lay up on my elbow and watched her chest rise and fall, taking in the size and shape of her breasts with eyes and hand. Stroking and weighing and caressing and rubbing. Her colour and shape are so different to mine (my only other source of reference) so I am fascinated by the whole spectacle.

Along the way I let my hand wander again and found fingers back inside her. It is more or less a re-run of her first orgasm, with a little more effort required on my part. I think I may have pushed her with my “Oh god - I love you so much” whispered in to her ear.

Hugging each other tight afterwards it flashed through my mind that here we were once more ‘two - nil’ in her favour. I didn’t mind so much this time. It has been a problem for me in the past but this time was so unexpected. I hardly woke up that morning with a plan in my head so it didn’t matter.

For a moment we discussed cinema options. We had only minutes to get ready for the next show. Or we could take 30 minutes and aim for the next one.

We aimed for the next one.

Within seconds she was inside me and within minutes I was shouting my “feck off feck off feck off” much to her delight. I don’t think I ever came so fast in my life.

I still had all my clothes on and apart from a button and a zip, nothing was array although I did have to go and change both briefs and jeans before heading out.

In the car later we sat glancing back and forth; both of us were in shock. We grinned inanely at each other. We blinked a lot. We grinned some more and we giggled a little.

We never referred to it. We have still never referred to it. We might never refer to it.

Somehow it has released a lot of tension between us. Not just the sexual tension but also something more. We are allowing a lot more innocent things to happen now that we wouldn’t have been able to stand before. It is hard to describe. It is a bit like a virgin not allowing herself to even fool around because she is a virgin, but after the big event she may as well allow herself to fool around - what’s the worst that could happen?

If we could just find that happy place where nothing happens but we are no longer obsessing over it not happening then that would be a good and happy place to be.

Hugely Happy . . .

Getting ready to go to work this morning I stood in my bedroom watching a tv program about L&G teens going to a gay gathering in Brighton - the program followed two teens but had cameo interviews by other gay people.

I sat down to watch the end of it totally engrossed by how natural these people were - they are out and not hiding anything.

Then one guy said something that shook me.

They had talked about STIs and HIV etc and he went on to say that there are lots of dangers out there for L&G teens, not least of which is the fact that they may be hugely happy. They may find an absolute love of their life and be insanely happy with their soul mate. I suppose that hetero couples may find this too - but it came as a bit of a revelation to hear it out loud from this guy.

I think this is the main reason I have been feeling so low and generally down over the past few months.

With Lou, I WAS hugely happy. I had found my soul mate - there was never any pretense in that - I knew I was loved and totally loved her too - there was a total comfort zone with her and nothing we did ever shook that. When we were together for weekends nothing else existed except our relationship and everything was easy in that.

I don't know that this is exclusively a gay thing - but I did have it and it was real and I haven't had it with such intensity with anyone else - it was just so right.

Hearing it said out loud kinda validated it for me and made me recognise it.

The problem is that I can't have that life and I think I have been mourning it for the past few months. It will take a while to get over it. I think that is why I have been pushing Lou away - if I can't have it all then I can't handle it being just out of reach.

Sigh.

Throw Me A Rope . . .

This has got to be the worst week of my life.

After my last post I resolved not to put up with any more crap from Christianne so when she let me know she was blowing me off the next day after we had made arrangements to go to a local gallery I flipped. I threw back some horrible things at her and did the online equivalent of slamming the phone down on her.

A few days of silence later she started to ask what was up and we spent at least one day if not two trading horrible emails back and forth.

The end result was that she told me she has no "pie left for me after she has Ali time and Alone time" and as I am determined not to be used any more, doing things for her and running after her without getting anything back I drew the line.

That was it. Me drawing the line. There. That's it there on the ground at my feet. And this is me standing staring at it. Wondering what the fuck I have just done.

Somehow I have ended the relationship as it was. I am not entirely sure how it will continue - we have to see each other now and then because of college, but after the term is over there will be no reason to keep in touch during the summer. In theory we are both going forward to the Degree course next year but nothing is in writing about that yet.

We have had a couple of emails in between but not ventured online other than that. We never did phone calls much - a handful just in the last three years. Mind you, in typical Christianne style, any phone calls which WERE made were from me to her - I don't think I ever received one from her.

Part of me wants to email her and ask how she is. Part of me wants to crawl in to bed and not get out for a week. Part of me wants to stick to my guns and come out of this with a bit of self respect but that is being over ridden by the sick feeling in the bottom of my gut that I have done the least intelligent thing in my adult life by letting her go and not just putting up with everything so I can be near her on the odd occasions that I do get to be there.

To crown the week from hell, at the exact same time I was having a hard time with C, I also had Lou on the other msn account fighting with me and going all emotional and needy just at the time I needed it least.

Suffice to say Lou is pissed with me for not inviting her to stay at my house for a weekend - what part of "It is over and I can't cope with visits" hasn't she caught on to yet? I do my level best to be considerate of her feelings and be an all round good guy but all we do now is fight - there doesn't seem to be any fun in it anymore.

Sigh.

My life at the moment sucks so much and there is no one to tell it all to - I normally tell all my Lou grief to Christianne and vice versa - neither of them know anything about the other at the moment - when I break the news to Lou she is going to get so annoyed with me for not telling her sooner that I am putting it off for as long as possible.

At the moment I want no friends. I want no relationships. I want no annoyances.

KT Tunstall Throw Me A Rope

i want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you,
but everything here's telling me i should be fine,
so why is it so, it bothers below that im missing you every time?

i got used to you whispering things to me into the evening,
we followed the sun, and it's colours, and left this world,
it seems to me, that i'm definitely, hearing the best that i've heard,.

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone.

and whenever you go it's like holding my breath under water,
i have to admit that i kinda like it when i do,
oh but i got to be, unconditionally,
unafraid, of my days, without you,

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
'cos everything easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
whenever i'm falling, you're always behind me,
come back and find me,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone

The Annoying Best Friend . . . .

Here's a little bit of background on The One.

She lived in Holland, met her friend Ali online, moved to the UK to get away from her old life and moved in with Ali's family. There was a mum and dad, Ali and a brother. Christianne went into business with the brother and before you know it, it is 4 years later and they are all in the same position.

About a year ago Ali and I had been friendly but we had a major falling out. Ali has managed to fall out with every one of Christianne's real life friends, alienating them to the extent that C has had to choose between them and A. Somehow I managed to stay in the loop with C but A and I have never spoken again. Although I have told C I would do anything to rectify the situation, it suits me that it isn't me that is holding that back.

After knowing me a while Christianne started to talk about moving out, I helped by driving her around looking for houses to rent, meeting with estate agents etc and finally we found a house for her to move in to. And that was about it for over 6 months. I was never invited round, there has been no mention of the sleep overs that were promised before hand, the fun things that I wanted to be part of never materialised and eventually I realised that I was only ever asked to help out with the things that Ali either didn't want to do or couldn't (like driving). Christianne and I went through a bad patch, there were six weeks or so that we hardly spoke which really played with my head and after a while I noticed that there was a pattern to the set up at the new house. Ali was staying over for two weeks on, two weeks off.

During the two weeks on, Christianne is not available to me, she doesn't come online at night for chats, she doesn't make herself available during the day for coffee and although we hardly ever do anything at weekends IF we DO it is only ever when Ali isn't there.

Obviously this is very upsetting to me. I hate being the person that is only ever needed when her best friend is there. If I hear the phrase "bff" again I think I will vomit.

I finally worked out a way to help me deal with it. Although both Ali and Christianne are straight, I realised that they ARE in a proper relationship. A much stronger one than I have with Christianne, it may be platonic but they both rely on the other for support and love and company and lots of other things and obviously they want to spend time together. That is more of a relationship than some other people have and I have to respect that. I, personally, don't believe it is a healthy relationship but it is the way there are.

My annoyance is with the length of the visit - two weeks is too long to be together. Christianne ALWAYS gets sick when Ali arrives because they sit up late watching the shows they are so in to. Ali doesn't work, she normally is awake all night and asleep all day so it is easy for them to slip in to bad habits. Christianne still attends the same college course as I do and she is severely falling behind on that because she has no spare time as it is all taken up with watching all the shows etc with Ali. (She told me in the afternoon last week that they had watched a whole season of their fav program in 8 days and then in the early evening told me she had had no time to do any college work - I hate inconsistencies like that.) At the end of the two weeks Christianne takes days to get over Ali going back home, she is almost in tears at the thought of it and will be upset and fearful for ages.

One of the reasons I don't think it is healthy is that they never go out of the house. C works in the house and then when she is finished work they socialise together in it too. Apart from an hour out a week to get groceries they never leave it. When it comes to having to get out to go to college C will cry off and confide in me that she is scared of going outside. That can't be right.

Ok, so this all sounds like sour grapes and to a certain point I suppose it is. I want to be the one Christianne spends time with. I am married with responsibilities and can not go there for two weeks at a time. However, in the past year, I have spent no more than two evenings at the new house. I just hate the way I get cut out of her life for two weeks at a time. If it was just one week it wouldn't be so bad, I know I could cope with that.

I don't really think this has anything to do with the Gay Thing. I think it is more what I expect from my friends and how I expect them to conduct our friendships. I expect consistency. I expect them to play fair. I suppose I expect me to be as big a part of their life as I am of their's and that certainly isn't the way it is for Christianne.

I have another friend Lorna. I know that I mean more to her than she means to me - she is merely one step up from a casual acquaintance for me but the last time I met up with her she asked me to sign papers which mean I look after her-children-getting-their-money (as opposed to looking after her CHILDREN! PHEW!). That is more than I would ask her to do for me.

I can see that C has A as a best friend and I am another friend. I know that she prefers spending time with A over me - that is human nature. It really hurts me that for two weeks in the month I can be the one she turns to and asks for things and leans on and then I am all but dumped for the rest of the month.

The result of this is that when she tells me that Ali is coming to stay I get huffy and make her life hard. I make snide comments where, really, it is good enough of her to tell me something which is none of my business. My instinct, when upset like this, is to run, run far away in the opposite direction. I withdraw. I get moody. The last time I was hit with such severe depression over it all that I was down the furthest I have been for a long time - if not EVER.

Christianne knows all this. We have talked about it all. It makes no difference to her - she has a right to have someone over to visit for as long as she wants them over for. But I cant help the way it makes me feel.

I know that for the sake of my health (both mental and physical) I need to deal with this and stop it from upsetting me. The only way I can see that happening is for me to cut Christianne loose and move away from that relationship altogether. So far I have done this five times in my head. I have drafted the final email on five separate occasions and have them all saved here to look at from time to time. C and I have talked about this as well. Neither of us want to stop being friends. It is my problem and I have to deal with it.

The reason this is my topic this evening is that C has gone over to stay at A's house tonight for the second time in a less than two weeks and has informed me that when she returns home tomorrow Ali is going to be going with her. I had plans to call up to see her tomorrow afternoon which I wont do now. This is the beginning of the next two weeks. I have hit a downer already about it all. I *know* I shouldn't but I have. It is like a sudden lose of hope hits me. I know my family should be all I need. I know I have other friends. I know it is my problem.

But. . .

If you have read this far and have any words of wisdom I would be more than grateful to hear them.

The Girls

Ok, so you know the main players in my life now. My family and my best friends.

Lou and I are having a difficult time at the moment, in that I am trying to distance myself from the affair but trying my best not to be horrible to her but that is hard and I think I am doing a "being cruel to be kind" kind of thing. I am not spending as much time with her online and I haven't phoned her for weeks. Sometimes we are having as little as 30 minutes online with each other a day whereas it used to be 4 hours at night and, because of the way we both work, perhaps 2, 3, 4 hours a day. We were constantly together.

It is hard but I think I am doing ok breaking it off. I just know it is a horrible thing for her though.

Anyway, this post is more about the honesty thing I need to maintain here.

The thing is: Lou is not The One. She is the one I had the affair with, yes. She is, perhaps, my best friend and as I said before, my other half and the funniest person I know but she isn't The One.

I can't really put into words what The One means to me but Christianne has always been The One. She is the one I think about a trillion times a day, I want to be with her, I think I would leave Bobby to be with her (I can say that because I KNOW there is no way she would want me - she is just so straight!). I want to be the person she turns to when she is down and the one that she curls up with on the sofa to watch a dvd and the one who cuddles in to the back of me at night. She is the one I think of when I am hugging pillows and who I fall asleep thinking about.

She doesn't want any of that from me - she doesn't want that at all. Lou wants it from me and I don't want Lou. What a mess huh?

I would love to be in my early 20s again, love to have my time again. I would do things so differently. I would experiment more, I would damn everyone else and do what I wanted. I seriously think the 15-20 years since I SHOULD have been doing those things have changed so much. I know gay people don't have an easy time in any decade but it is so much more easy to be gay now than it was then - there is no way I would have experimented then the way I know I would if I was young now . . .

I have a lesbian friend, just newly fallen in love and enjoying everything her new lover is bringing to her life. I know I am a considerate and loving and giving person and I know I could give my girl that. I most certainly don't give Bobby it. He gets short shrift.

I would be so good to Christianne. I would treat her well and make it my business to make her happy. I think part of my frustration is that I am totally in love with a straight girl. If she were gay perhaps I wouldn't want her so much. Lou adores me - or did until I started being such a shit to her - she would leave her home and family and would be willing to set up with me but as much as the sex was fantastic with her, I always knew it was never going any further and that she wasn't The One.

Christianne knows all this. She seems to accept it ok - it put us under stress for a while but the gay thing never fazed her and she has known she is The One for so long now I can't remember a time without it being part of our relationship. She doesn't invite conversation about what I do with the pillow or what I would like to do with her but she knows it is still on place for me. We joke about it to a certain degree, I go clothes shopping with her and she shows me what she is trying on, I comment on her jeans and walk behind her to get a view of her bum and she knows fine rightly why I am behind her. I wish I could just touch . . . I get to rub her back and touch her waist when we are lying on the sofa watching tv. Saying that, we don't put ourselves in that position that often and I have to be sooo good not to allow myself to go any further. It is hard.

I wouldn't want to wish my children away but I know if I didn't have them things would be completely different. I wish I had experimented when I had the chance.

The History

Here is a doctored email I sent to my online friend when I told her the whole story how it all happened for me - this is the only time I had ever set it all out for anyone to see - any other time I told it, it was verbally told. I have changed everyones names.

Christianne is my Dutch friend and continues to be my friend to this day - there is more to talk about there - next time. Lou is the girl I had the affair with - it is over now but dealing with that is difficult. Bobby is my husband, Douglas my son and although she isn't mentioned here Joanne is my daughter. . . .

I think I have always been gay - I think I knew it when I was 7 but didn't know what it was. I was always more interested in girls than boys - never really was all that fussed in going out with boys other than in the *wanting to conform* way. I have always known that I wanted to be with girls - always had that in the back of my head as a sort of fantasy thing going on. But knew I would never do it - cos - Dude - you have to conform huh?

I went to a good grammar school and had a great group of friends - I think if you were to talk to them now and ask them they would all be able to look back and say Yes - She Is / Was. But then I didn't know anyone else that way inclined. I didn't really have the chance to experiment. I always thought that all I would need to do was to experiment - that if I got to that point that either I wouldn't like it or that I would chicken out and that way would realise that it was all just a fantasy and not really the way I really am but everyone needs fantasies and this was mine. . . - but I didn't get the chance.

I have always had a think about obsessing over other girls - usually older girls than me - it is a Mother thing I am told - I am not close to my mother. . .

I went on ahead and got married and had the kids. Now do NOT get me wrong - I love Bobby and I love the kids (of course!) Bobby IS the best husband in the world - he loves me - he does everything for me - I am totally spoiled rotten - and I have to say again - I DO love him. . .

But if I never had sex with him again I wouldn't be too worried - like - huh! He is a guy! EW! He has BITS!!! :D But I DO love him ok? It is important that I get that across!

Then a couple of things happened. I joined a college course as a mature student and met a girl who I became firm friends with. Christianne is Dutch and a lot younger than me and is just so tolerant of people's ways in a non-UK way that I totally felt at ease with her. She felt the same with me and we were soon swapping life stories and telling each other stories we had never told anyone before . . you know how it is. . . she told me a thing that she has never
told anyone else in the world.

Bobby's folks had a (static) caravan and after a while of knowing Christianne we all went away for a weekend but with the way the bedrooms were - it was easier for Christianne to sleep in the big bed with me so she didn’t have to sleep in a room with one of the kids so Bobby slept in the single bed in the room with Douglas. . . no - nothing (ever) happened with Christianne!

But we lay awake all night talking - doing the girly / best friends thing. I really really really would have done something had it not been for the fact that Christianne is as straight as the day is long and there was no way she was interested in me!

I almost went a bit far - I was giving her a rub and totally fell in love with her stomach and ended up kissing her tummy just once. . . she kinda froze and I realised I had gone too far. . however - she wasn't stupid - she realised what was going on. We have an Honesty Policy which works really well for us. . .

The next night ( I think we were there for a few nights) we had a few drinks - Christianne doesn't drink - I got a little Dutch courage - if you excuse the pun and when we went to bed that night I had decided to tell her the only secret I had never told anyone before.

I think she had more or less worked it out for herself. . .

Christianne is an online-type-person. She has many friends online who she has never met. One of her online friends she HAS met is Lou.

Christianne talked about me to Lou (in a *she is my friend* way - not giving secrets away) and Lou started to comment on my blog and look at my Flickr etc. Eventually we started to MSN.

After a while Lou made plans to come visit Christianne and I offered to put her up at our house. Made more sense than a B&B. She came, we got on even better in real life than online.

I made plans to go and see her at her house. Oh - fairly crucial to this story is the fact that Lou is gay!

Last year in July Christianne and I had a real set back - due to meddling on another friend's part we ended up having a real strained relationship for a while. (but are back on track now) The only thing that kept me sane was keeping in touch with Lou.

Then one day we started to take our texting a little further than we should have. We kinda started a little cyber/ text / sex thing there and things started to feel so right for me.

I was a week away from going to visit her. It was her birthday while I was going to be there. . . We spent that week doing more and more texting. I spent the week getting more and more wound up and it suddenly dawned on me - this thing was going to happen. It WAS going
to happen - but I still thought I would get to the point where I would be there - looking at her and would chicken out.

We discussed it and Lou dismissed it - it wasn't going to happen - why would it? Then we started to plan what was going to happen and when we would have our first kiss and would we get out of the airport car park first etc - it was a foregone conclusion after that.

On the 22nd July I arrived in the airport, saw Lou waiting, went suddenly shy and decided it wasn't happening after all. We went back to hers - then by the time we were ready for bed and had watched a dvd and were snuggling down for sleeps. . . we gave it a bit of a go but I
was too self concious and resorted to the "nothing is going to happen with the light on you know!" routine.

Once the light went out things hotted up a little. We had a niiiccce time! But I wasn't sure that it was for me still.

The next day we were driving to the local city for shopping and staying in a hotel. We didn't leave the bed all afternoon and because this was in the day time it was day light and there was nothing I could do about the light. Thankfully, That first time was the only time in the dark. Eye contact has always been very important to us ever since. We forgot to eat that night. We didn't do any shopping either.

On the way back to her house on the Sunday it hit me. There were no two ways about it. I am gay. I like girls. I like kissing girls. I like sex with girls. I don't particularly like guys. I can see why girls like guys in the same way that I can see that motorbikes are kinda nice - but I wouldn't want to own one.

Since then, Lou and I have managed the odd weekend here and there, we have had a great time - the best sex I have ever had and I am always the most comfortable with her that I have ever been in my life - she is my other half I think - we are great together. . . but - our relationship is wrong. I have children. I have a husband. I have been having an affair. As happy as I am with Lou - I have been equally unhappy in my own life when I am back in it.

We have tried several times to stop it - she was over here in October and then December and then I was there in February - each time it was Over - and each time we couldn't stop ourselves again.

Eventually Christianne (who is the only other person to know about it all) just told me straight - if Bobby finds out I wont have a choice in the matter - I would have split up my family and put my children's happiness at risk and that is a thing I am not prepared to do. Lou knows exactly where I come from - I never said it was going to be for ever but - that doesn't help any. She is very attached to me - she wants more from me than I could ever give her. I can't leave the kids.

We are at the point of having a really hard time right now - we still want to be together - I will never leave Bobby - we still want to be the best mates we really are - it is all just so confusing!

But I am so gay! In a quiet way. I would never have gone clubbing or pubbing - I was never going to meet someone in the routine I had.

I wish I had. I think that is why I clicked with your blog - the idea that you have it sorted in your head so young - I am very envious of that. I would have liked to have worked through it at your age - I may not ever have been married - I always wanted kids - I enjoy being a mummy - I was always maternal - perhaps I would have had a different set of regrets to the ones I have now.

But sexually I would have been more comfortable.

This was written while we were still getting together when we could. We have stopped now and haven't done anything the last couple of weekends we have had together. However, I find this really hard and it wouldn't take much at all for me to start again so I am trying to distance myself a little from Lou now. It is horrible and not going well for either of us but I know that if I don't she will never move on. She had never had anyone before me and isn't looking for anyone now. I don't think she will get over me until she finds someone else which is a shame because she is a great person and I miss what we had.