Throw Me A Rope . . .

This has got to be the worst week of my life.

After my last post I resolved not to put up with any more crap from Christianne so when she let me know she was blowing me off the next day after we had made arrangements to go to a local gallery I flipped. I threw back some horrible things at her and did the online equivalent of slamming the phone down on her.

A few days of silence later she started to ask what was up and we spent at least one day if not two trading horrible emails back and forth.

The end result was that she told me she has no "pie left for me after she has Ali time and Alone time" and as I am determined not to be used any more, doing things for her and running after her without getting anything back I drew the line.

That was it. Me drawing the line. There. That's it there on the ground at my feet. And this is me standing staring at it. Wondering what the fuck I have just done.

Somehow I have ended the relationship as it was. I am not entirely sure how it will continue - we have to see each other now and then because of college, but after the term is over there will be no reason to keep in touch during the summer. In theory we are both going forward to the Degree course next year but nothing is in writing about that yet.

We have had a couple of emails in between but not ventured online other than that. We never did phone calls much - a handful just in the last three years. Mind you, in typical Christianne style, any phone calls which WERE made were from me to her - I don't think I ever received one from her.

Part of me wants to email her and ask how she is. Part of me wants to crawl in to bed and not get out for a week. Part of me wants to stick to my guns and come out of this with a bit of self respect but that is being over ridden by the sick feeling in the bottom of my gut that I have done the least intelligent thing in my adult life by letting her go and not just putting up with everything so I can be near her on the odd occasions that I do get to be there.

To crown the week from hell, at the exact same time I was having a hard time with C, I also had Lou on the other msn account fighting with me and going all emotional and needy just at the time I needed it least.

Suffice to say Lou is pissed with me for not inviting her to stay at my house for a weekend - what part of "It is over and I can't cope with visits" hasn't she caught on to yet? I do my level best to be considerate of her feelings and be an all round good guy but all we do now is fight - there doesn't seem to be any fun in it anymore.

Sigh.

My life at the moment sucks so much and there is no one to tell it all to - I normally tell all my Lou grief to Christianne and vice versa - neither of them know anything about the other at the moment - when I break the news to Lou she is going to get so annoyed with me for not telling her sooner that I am putting it off for as long as possible.

At the moment I want no friends. I want no relationships. I want no annoyances.

KT Tunstall Throw Me A Rope

i want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you,
but everything here's telling me i should be fine,
so why is it so, it bothers below that im missing you every time?

i got used to you whispering things to me into the evening,
we followed the sun, and it's colours, and left this world,
it seems to me, that i'm definitely, hearing the best that i've heard,.

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone.

and whenever you go it's like holding my breath under water,
i have to admit that i kinda like it when i do,
oh but i got to be, unconditionally,
unafraid, of my days, without you,

so throw me a rope, to hold me in place,
show me a clock, for counting my days, down,
'cos everything easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
whenever i'm falling, you're always behind me,
come back and find me,
cos everythings easier when you're beside me,
come back and find me,
cos i feel alone