The Girls

Ok, so you know the main players in my life now. My family and my best friends.

Lou and I are having a difficult time at the moment, in that I am trying to distance myself from the affair but trying my best not to be horrible to her but that is hard and I think I am doing a "being cruel to be kind" kind of thing. I am not spending as much time with her online and I haven't phoned her for weeks. Sometimes we are having as little as 30 minutes online with each other a day whereas it used to be 4 hours at night and, because of the way we both work, perhaps 2, 3, 4 hours a day. We were constantly together.

It is hard but I think I am doing ok breaking it off. I just know it is a horrible thing for her though.

Anyway, this post is more about the honesty thing I need to maintain here.

The thing is: Lou is not The One. She is the one I had the affair with, yes. She is, perhaps, my best friend and as I said before, my other half and the funniest person I know but she isn't The One.

I can't really put into words what The One means to me but Christianne has always been The One. She is the one I think about a trillion times a day, I want to be with her, I think I would leave Bobby to be with her (I can say that because I KNOW there is no way she would want me - she is just so straight!). I want to be the person she turns to when she is down and the one that she curls up with on the sofa to watch a dvd and the one who cuddles in to the back of me at night. She is the one I think of when I am hugging pillows and who I fall asleep thinking about.

She doesn't want any of that from me - she doesn't want that at all. Lou wants it from me and I don't want Lou. What a mess huh?

I would love to be in my early 20s again, love to have my time again. I would do things so differently. I would experiment more, I would damn everyone else and do what I wanted. I seriously think the 15-20 years since I SHOULD have been doing those things have changed so much. I know gay people don't have an easy time in any decade but it is so much more easy to be gay now than it was then - there is no way I would have experimented then the way I know I would if I was young now . . .

I have a lesbian friend, just newly fallen in love and enjoying everything her new lover is bringing to her life. I know I am a considerate and loving and giving person and I know I could give my girl that. I most certainly don't give Bobby it. He gets short shrift.

I would be so good to Christianne. I would treat her well and make it my business to make her happy. I think part of my frustration is that I am totally in love with a straight girl. If she were gay perhaps I wouldn't want her so much. Lou adores me - or did until I started being such a shit to her - she would leave her home and family and would be willing to set up with me but as much as the sex was fantastic with her, I always knew it was never going any further and that she wasn't The One.

Christianne knows all this. She seems to accept it ok - it put us under stress for a while but the gay thing never fazed her and she has known she is The One for so long now I can't remember a time without it being part of our relationship. She doesn't invite conversation about what I do with the pillow or what I would like to do with her but she knows it is still on place for me. We joke about it to a certain degree, I go clothes shopping with her and she shows me what she is trying on, I comment on her jeans and walk behind her to get a view of her bum and she knows fine rightly why I am behind her. I wish I could just touch . . . I get to rub her back and touch her waist when we are lying on the sofa watching tv. Saying that, we don't put ourselves in that position that often and I have to be sooo good not to allow myself to go any further. It is hard.

I wouldn't want to wish my children away but I know if I didn't have them things would be completely different. I wish I had experimented when I had the chance.