The Annoying Best Friend . . . .

Here's a little bit of background on The One.

She lived in Holland, met her friend Ali online, moved to the UK to get away from her old life and moved in with Ali's family. There was a mum and dad, Ali and a brother. Christianne went into business with the brother and before you know it, it is 4 years later and they are all in the same position.

About a year ago Ali and I had been friendly but we had a major falling out. Ali has managed to fall out with every one of Christianne's real life friends, alienating them to the extent that C has had to choose between them and A. Somehow I managed to stay in the loop with C but A and I have never spoken again. Although I have told C I would do anything to rectify the situation, it suits me that it isn't me that is holding that back.

After knowing me a while Christianne started to talk about moving out, I helped by driving her around looking for houses to rent, meeting with estate agents etc and finally we found a house for her to move in to. And that was about it for over 6 months. I was never invited round, there has been no mention of the sleep overs that were promised before hand, the fun things that I wanted to be part of never materialised and eventually I realised that I was only ever asked to help out with the things that Ali either didn't want to do or couldn't (like driving). Christianne and I went through a bad patch, there were six weeks or so that we hardly spoke which really played with my head and after a while I noticed that there was a pattern to the set up at the new house. Ali was staying over for two weeks on, two weeks off.

During the two weeks on, Christianne is not available to me, she doesn't come online at night for chats, she doesn't make herself available during the day for coffee and although we hardly ever do anything at weekends IF we DO it is only ever when Ali isn't there.

Obviously this is very upsetting to me. I hate being the person that is only ever needed when her best friend is there. If I hear the phrase "bff" again I think I will vomit.

I finally worked out a way to help me deal with it. Although both Ali and Christianne are straight, I realised that they ARE in a proper relationship. A much stronger one than I have with Christianne, it may be platonic but they both rely on the other for support and love and company and lots of other things and obviously they want to spend time together. That is more of a relationship than some other people have and I have to respect that. I, personally, don't believe it is a healthy relationship but it is the way there are.

My annoyance is with the length of the visit - two weeks is too long to be together. Christianne ALWAYS gets sick when Ali arrives because they sit up late watching the shows they are so in to. Ali doesn't work, she normally is awake all night and asleep all day so it is easy for them to slip in to bad habits. Christianne still attends the same college course as I do and she is severely falling behind on that because she has no spare time as it is all taken up with watching all the shows etc with Ali. (She told me in the afternoon last week that they had watched a whole season of their fav program in 8 days and then in the early evening told me she had had no time to do any college work - I hate inconsistencies like that.) At the end of the two weeks Christianne takes days to get over Ali going back home, she is almost in tears at the thought of it and will be upset and fearful for ages.

One of the reasons I don't think it is healthy is that they never go out of the house. C works in the house and then when she is finished work they socialise together in it too. Apart from an hour out a week to get groceries they never leave it. When it comes to having to get out to go to college C will cry off and confide in me that she is scared of going outside. That can't be right.

Ok, so this all sounds like sour grapes and to a certain point I suppose it is. I want to be the one Christianne spends time with. I am married with responsibilities and can not go there for two weeks at a time. However, in the past year, I have spent no more than two evenings at the new house. I just hate the way I get cut out of her life for two weeks at a time. If it was just one week it wouldn't be so bad, I know I could cope with that.

I don't really think this has anything to do with the Gay Thing. I think it is more what I expect from my friends and how I expect them to conduct our friendships. I expect consistency. I expect them to play fair. I suppose I expect me to be as big a part of their life as I am of their's and that certainly isn't the way it is for Christianne.

I have another friend Lorna. I know that I mean more to her than she means to me - she is merely one step up from a casual acquaintance for me but the last time I met up with her she asked me to sign papers which mean I look after her-children-getting-their-money (as opposed to looking after her CHILDREN! PHEW!). That is more than I would ask her to do for me.

I can see that C has A as a best friend and I am another friend. I know that she prefers spending time with A over me - that is human nature. It really hurts me that for two weeks in the month I can be the one she turns to and asks for things and leans on and then I am all but dumped for the rest of the month.

The result of this is that when she tells me that Ali is coming to stay I get huffy and make her life hard. I make snide comments where, really, it is good enough of her to tell me something which is none of my business. My instinct, when upset like this, is to run, run far away in the opposite direction. I withdraw. I get moody. The last time I was hit with such severe depression over it all that I was down the furthest I have been for a long time - if not EVER.

Christianne knows all this. We have talked about it all. It makes no difference to her - she has a right to have someone over to visit for as long as she wants them over for. But I cant help the way it makes me feel.

I know that for the sake of my health (both mental and physical) I need to deal with this and stop it from upsetting me. The only way I can see that happening is for me to cut Christianne loose and move away from that relationship altogether. So far I have done this five times in my head. I have drafted the final email on five separate occasions and have them all saved here to look at from time to time. C and I have talked about this as well. Neither of us want to stop being friends. It is my problem and I have to deal with it.

The reason this is my topic this evening is that C has gone over to stay at A's house tonight for the second time in a less than two weeks and has informed me that when she returns home tomorrow Ali is going to be going with her. I had plans to call up to see her tomorrow afternoon which I wont do now. This is the beginning of the next two weeks. I have hit a downer already about it all. I *know* I shouldn't but I have. It is like a sudden lose of hope hits me. I know my family should be all I need. I know I have other friends. I know it is my problem.

But. . .

If you have read this far and have any words of wisdom I would be more than grateful to hear them.