The History

Here is a doctored email I sent to my online friend when I told her the whole story how it all happened for me - this is the only time I had ever set it all out for anyone to see - any other time I told it, it was verbally told. I have changed everyones names.

Christianne is my Dutch friend and continues to be my friend to this day - there is more to talk about there - next time. Lou is the girl I had the affair with - it is over now but dealing with that is difficult. Bobby is my husband, Douglas my son and although she isn't mentioned here Joanne is my daughter. . . .

I think I have always been gay - I think I knew it when I was 7 but didn't know what it was. I was always more interested in girls than boys - never really was all that fussed in going out with boys other than in the *wanting to conform* way. I have always known that I wanted to be with girls - always had that in the back of my head as a sort of fantasy thing going on. But knew I would never do it - cos - Dude - you have to conform huh?

I went to a good grammar school and had a great group of friends - I think if you were to talk to them now and ask them they would all be able to look back and say Yes - She Is / Was. But then I didn't know anyone else that way inclined. I didn't really have the chance to experiment. I always thought that all I would need to do was to experiment - that if I got to that point that either I wouldn't like it or that I would chicken out and that way would realise that it was all just a fantasy and not really the way I really am but everyone needs fantasies and this was mine. . . - but I didn't get the chance.

I have always had a think about obsessing over other girls - usually older girls than me - it is a Mother thing I am told - I am not close to my mother. . .

I went on ahead and got married and had the kids. Now do NOT get me wrong - I love Bobby and I love the kids (of course!) Bobby IS the best husband in the world - he loves me - he does everything for me - I am totally spoiled rotten - and I have to say again - I DO love him. . .

But if I never had sex with him again I wouldn't be too worried - like - huh! He is a guy! EW! He has BITS!!! :D But I DO love him ok? It is important that I get that across!

Then a couple of things happened. I joined a college course as a mature student and met a girl who I became firm friends with. Christianne is Dutch and a lot younger than me and is just so tolerant of people's ways in a non-UK way that I totally felt at ease with her. She felt the same with me and we were soon swapping life stories and telling each other stories we had never told anyone before . . you know how it is. . . she told me a thing that she has never
told anyone else in the world.

Bobby's folks had a (static) caravan and after a while of knowing Christianne we all went away for a weekend but with the way the bedrooms were - it was easier for Christianne to sleep in the big bed with me so she didn’t have to sleep in a room with one of the kids so Bobby slept in the single bed in the room with Douglas. . . no - nothing (ever) happened with Christianne!

But we lay awake all night talking - doing the girly / best friends thing. I really really really would have done something had it not been for the fact that Christianne is as straight as the day is long and there was no way she was interested in me!

I almost went a bit far - I was giving her a rub and totally fell in love with her stomach and ended up kissing her tummy just once. . . she kinda froze and I realised I had gone too far. . however - she wasn't stupid - she realised what was going on. We have an Honesty Policy which works really well for us. . .

The next night ( I think we were there for a few nights) we had a few drinks - Christianne doesn't drink - I got a little Dutch courage - if you excuse the pun and when we went to bed that night I had decided to tell her the only secret I had never told anyone before.

I think she had more or less worked it out for herself. . .

Christianne is an online-type-person. She has many friends online who she has never met. One of her online friends she HAS met is Lou.

Christianne talked about me to Lou (in a *she is my friend* way - not giving secrets away) and Lou started to comment on my blog and look at my Flickr etc. Eventually we started to MSN.

After a while Lou made plans to come visit Christianne and I offered to put her up at our house. Made more sense than a B&B. She came, we got on even better in real life than online.

I made plans to go and see her at her house. Oh - fairly crucial to this story is the fact that Lou is gay!

Last year in July Christianne and I had a real set back - due to meddling on another friend's part we ended up having a real strained relationship for a while. (but are back on track now) The only thing that kept me sane was keeping in touch with Lou.

Then one day we started to take our texting a little further than we should have. We kinda started a little cyber/ text / sex thing there and things started to feel so right for me.

I was a week away from going to visit her. It was her birthday while I was going to be there. . . We spent that week doing more and more texting. I spent the week getting more and more wound up and it suddenly dawned on me - this thing was going to happen. It WAS going
to happen - but I still thought I would get to the point where I would be there - looking at her and would chicken out.

We discussed it and Lou dismissed it - it wasn't going to happen - why would it? Then we started to plan what was going to happen and when we would have our first kiss and would we get out of the airport car park first etc - it was a foregone conclusion after that.

On the 22nd July I arrived in the airport, saw Lou waiting, went suddenly shy and decided it wasn't happening after all. We went back to hers - then by the time we were ready for bed and had watched a dvd and were snuggling down for sleeps. . . we gave it a bit of a go but I
was too self concious and resorted to the "nothing is going to happen with the light on you know!" routine.

Once the light went out things hotted up a little. We had a niiiccce time! But I wasn't sure that it was for me still.

The next day we were driving to the local city for shopping and staying in a hotel. We didn't leave the bed all afternoon and because this was in the day time it was day light and there was nothing I could do about the light. Thankfully, That first time was the only time in the dark. Eye contact has always been very important to us ever since. We forgot to eat that night. We didn't do any shopping either.

On the way back to her house on the Sunday it hit me. There were no two ways about it. I am gay. I like girls. I like kissing girls. I like sex with girls. I don't particularly like guys. I can see why girls like guys in the same way that I can see that motorbikes are kinda nice - but I wouldn't want to own one.

Since then, Lou and I have managed the odd weekend here and there, we have had a great time - the best sex I have ever had and I am always the most comfortable with her that I have ever been in my life - she is my other half I think - we are great together. . . but - our relationship is wrong. I have children. I have a husband. I have been having an affair. As happy as I am with Lou - I have been equally unhappy in my own life when I am back in it.

We have tried several times to stop it - she was over here in October and then December and then I was there in February - each time it was Over - and each time we couldn't stop ourselves again.

Eventually Christianne (who is the only other person to know about it all) just told me straight - if Bobby finds out I wont have a choice in the matter - I would have split up my family and put my children's happiness at risk and that is a thing I am not prepared to do. Lou knows exactly where I come from - I never said it was going to be for ever but - that doesn't help any. She is very attached to me - she wants more from me than I could ever give her. I can't leave the kids.

We are at the point of having a really hard time right now - we still want to be together - I will never leave Bobby - we still want to be the best mates we really are - it is all just so confusing!

But I am so gay! In a quiet way. I would never have gone clubbing or pubbing - I was never going to meet someone in the routine I had.

I wish I had. I think that is why I clicked with your blog - the idea that you have it sorted in your head so young - I am very envious of that. I would have liked to have worked through it at your age - I may not ever have been married - I always wanted kids - I enjoy being a mummy - I was always maternal - perhaps I would have had a different set of regrets to the ones I have now.

But sexually I would have been more comfortable.

This was written while we were still getting together when we could. We have stopped now and haven't done anything the last couple of weekends we have had together. However, I find this really hard and it wouldn't take much at all for me to start again so I am trying to distance myself a little from Lou now. It is horrible and not going well for either of us but I know that if I don't she will never move on. She had never had anyone before me and isn't looking for anyone now. I don't think she will get over me until she finds someone else which is a shame because she is a great person and I miss what we had.