Getting ready to go to work this morning I stood in my bedroom watching a tv program about L&G teens going to a gay gathering in Brighton - the program followed two teens but had cameo interviews by other gay people.
I sat down to watch the end of it totally engrossed by how natural these people were - they are out and not hiding anything.
Then one guy said something that shook me.
They had talked about STIs and HIV etc and he went on to say that there are lots of dangers out there for L&G teens, not least of which is the fact that they may be hugely happy. They may find an absolute love of their life and be insanely happy with their soul mate. I suppose that hetero couples may find this too - but it came as a bit of a revelation to hear it out loud from this guy.
I think this is the main reason I have been feeling so low and generally down over the past few months.
With Lou, I WAS hugely happy. I had found my soul mate - there was never any pretense in that - I knew I was loved and totally loved her too - there was a total comfort zone with her and nothing we did ever shook that. When we were together for weekends nothing else existed except our relationship and everything was easy in that.
I don't know that this is exclusively a gay thing - but I did have it and it was real and I haven't had it with such intensity with anyone else - it was just so right.
Hearing it said out loud kinda validated it for me and made me recognise it.
The problem is that I can't have that life and I think I have been mourning it for the past few months. It will take a while to get over it. I think that is why I have been pushing Lou away - if I can't have it all then I can't handle it being just out of reach.
Sigh.
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