The Facts

Here are a few facts about me.

I am getting close to 40, am married, have a boy and a girl, run my own business and tend to have bouts of fairly mild depression.

About two years ago I finally admitted to a friend that I am actually gay and to try and work out if it was just always something I wanted to try out or if it was real I embarked on a lesbian affair with another friend.

I AM. There is no getting away from it. I enjoy it. It is what I am. I am not straight. I hate sex with my husband (who I love) and only want to be with girls.

The affair has been stressful and has not been good for my health. I am fairly certain it has contributed to both my depression and to M.E. which started not long after the the double life began.

Since starting it all, I have confided in only a couple of people. Obviously the person I was having it with, the original friend who I came out to, a complete stranger I met online who has since become a friend and an old friend who always knew me well enough to try to tell me all along that I was gay. I always denied it. When she finally confronted me again with it I finally admitted it all. It was a big relief for her to know.

I sincerely hope that my husband doesn't know. I don't want him hurt. I know he would be. There is always the chance that he might think it was me just getting rid of demons but I don't really think he would - I think he would be devastated.

This blog is to talk about how I feel now I have had an affair, something I thought I would never ever do. How I am dealing with ending the affair and how I am trying not to lose my friend in the process. She doesn't understand that it has to end, she doesn't understand that I have to distance myself and that it is easier for me than it is for her. She is totally in love with me and I can't deal with that any more. I need that to stop now.

Don't get me wrong, there will be other things to rant about too. But you need to know this lot first.